Nobody likes to be personally attacked, but we misinterpret comments when we're overly defensive. Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves and defend our actions. However, all areas of our lives suffer when we regularly employ defensive tactics. Defensive people are likely to become socially isolated.
Feeling defensive is linked to negative emotions like anger, frustration, and shame. Nobody likes these feelings, and unless we learn to lower our defensiveness, we will find ourselves in a constant state of negative emotion.
This article describes the effects of excessive defensiveness in our lives. I will also suggest 5 tips to stop being defensive and live a happier life.
Contents
- What does it mean to be defensive?
- The effect of the defensive
- 5 ways to stop being defensive
- 1. React instead of reacting
- 2. Build your self-esteem
- 3. Be open to new ideas
- 4. Take your time
- 5. Control your anger
- Packaging
What does it mean to be defensive?
When we think of being defensive, we immediately think of trying to protect and justify ourselves. This behavior often comes from a place of insecurity.
We may feel under attack, which triggers a defensive counterattack. The feeling of defensiveness is triggered by our perception of receiving criticism. It can lead to the following feelings:
- Shame.
- Fault.
- Embarrassment.
- Wut.
- Sadness.
Think of a sporting example. The role of defense is to prevent the opposing team from scoring. We can also consider the military model. Defensive military tactics are designed to protect something.
Ultimately, then, we use defense as a form of self-protection. But if we're always on the defensive, our guard will be consistently high and we won't be able to embrace personal growth.
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The effect of the defensive
When we act defensively, it manifests itself in many different ways:
- Don't listen to the other.
- Blaming the other person in any way.
- Bring something from the past as an attack.
It's not easy to hear criticism, no matter the situation.
But for healthy relationships, we need to be able to have open and difficult conversations, both in our personal lives and at work. And that includes taking feedback on board.
If we immediately become defensive, we end up sabotaging our relationships and isolating ourselves.
Beto studyfound that defensiveness correlates with peer rejection in children. This defensive social rejection makes sense. Trying to communicate with someone who is constantly defensive can be exhausting. It might stop us from trying.
Some of my former colleagues have challenged me about my vegan lifestyle. In the first few days I relied on the counterattack. I countered with comments criticizing her life choices. I accused her of trying not to make me feel hurt and isolated.
Over time, I've learned to respond with comments like, "I'm not perfect, but I try to live as kindly as possible." or "we are all different and choose different lifestyles; let's celebrate it instead of criticizing it.
A neutral response felt empowering and uplifting. It also meant that my relationships with my colleagues were not damaged.
5 ways to stop being defensive
We increase our power as we learn to stop responding defensively to others. We also help improve our relationships and open ourselves to personal growth. We invite a more peaceful atmosphere into our lives and let the negativity wash over us.
So how did you start? Here are 5 ways you can stop being defensive today.
1. React instead of reacting
There is a big difference between reacting and reacting. If you often react to others, it's time to learn how to react.
Defensive behavior keeps us trapped in reaction patterns.
Unlike reacting, reacting is considered and intentional. He encourages a 4-step process as part of a response:
- Break.
- Procedure.
- Plano.
- Keep going.
Reacting, on the other hand, means meeting one action with another. It's a panic reaction - a thoughtless reaction.
To help respond instead of reacting we needlearn to slow down.
Listen to what is being said and take the time to process it. If the situation allows, you might want to get some fresh air to think. Alternatively, take a few moments to collect your thoughts while drinking water.
2. Build your self-esteem
It goes without saying that the higher our self-esteem, the more comfortable we feel about ourselves. And when we're more comfortable, we don't take things personally and can get overwhelmed by triggering comments.
There are many ways to boost our self-esteem, including:
- Learn a new skill.
- Get involved in volunteer work in your community.
- Work on your fitness.
- Invest time in relationships
- Ler.
- practice self-love.
- Engage in meditation and yoga.
When we feel good, we can see criticism as an opportunity for growth.
This growth may mean moving away from the perpetrator of critical comments. Alternatively, it could consist of finding merit in the shared criticisms and using them for our development.
3. Be open to new ideas
Someone near me is a defensive bar. She doesn't even notice. She may ask for an opinion, but if you don't tell her what she wants to hear, she'll immediately get defensive and start the sentence with "but...".
It remains closed to changes or deviating ideas. It is no coincidence that she is also very unhappy in her life. she hasa victim mentalityand believes that life has given him a hard hand.
If only she were open to seeing things in a new light.
By embracing different ideas and trying alternative ways of doing things, we give ourselves the ideal opportunitysee different perspectives.
This opening allows us to invitepositive change in our lives.
4. Take your time
Everything is much worse when we are exhausted and exhausted.
The more Zen we feel, the more likely we are to avoid defensive feelings and behaviors.
The hectic culture of this era takes a toll on our mental health. The pressure to be everything to everyone makes us feel bad. No wonder we react in the heat of the moment rather than taking the time to react.
Many of us survive life, not live it.
It's time to change things. learn to say no Make fewer commitments. If that means your kids have one less activity per week, then so be it. Take time for yourself!
At one point in my life I worked long hours in a stressful job. I also had my own small business, trained for ultramarathons and had 2 high maintenance dogs. My days started at 5am and didn't end until midnight. I was living on my nerves.
No wonder I was very defensive.
I didn't have time to engage in new ideas or deep conversations.
Now I have time to smell the roses and what a delight. There is a noticeable difference in my defense level and I attribute this to the reduction in my overall stress level in life.
5. Control your anger
The urge to feel defensive often comes from an overarching sense of anger. How dare that person say X, Y or Z!
But when we exchanged our angerof curiosity, we learn to see things differently.
When people criticized me for my vegan lifestyle, it was sometimes an indication of the guilt they felt for consuming animal products. So instead of getting defensive or making the comments I usually make, I can direct the questions to them. "Are you interested in learning about veganism?"
If my partner panics and says something cutting or passive-aggressive, I laugh, hug them, and ask if they're okay.
When we tap into our anger, we make a fire. However, we reassure our defensive gremlins by stimulating our curiosity and asking open-ended questions.
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Packaging
Being defensive can keep us from opportunities and personal growth. Although we've focused on not getting defensive, it's important to remember not to act in a way that might incite others to feel defensive. Communication is an art.
Do you often encounter overly defensive people in your life? Do you have any tried-and-true methods to help you refrain from defensive behavior? Let me know in the comments below!
Hall over there writer
Kindness is my superpower. Dogs and nature are my oxygen. Completed studies in psychology with sports science. Scottish born and raised. I have worked and traveled all over the world. Find me running long distances on hills and trails.
FAQs
What strategies could you use to accept such comments in a non defensive manner? ›
You can ask for specifics. Ask what, how, and when questions to get more specific information. You can also respond by paraphrasing the critic's comments. By clarifying the complaints through paraphrasing, you will improve understanding and learn more about their objections.
How do you reply without being defensive? ›- 1 Keep calm in the moment.
- 2 Wait to respond to the criticism.
- 3 Encourage the person to elaborate.
- 4 Listen to what the other person says.
- 5 Validate the other person's feelings.
- 6 Respond with the facts.
- 7 Use “Yes, and…” in place of “Yes, but…”
Romantic relationships create four contextual conditions for defensive communication: self-perceptions of flaws, situational difficulties, emotional difficulties, and relational concerns.
How do you respond to being defensive? ›Calmly state your intentions up-front.
“You might say, for example, 'I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday. And I want you to know that I'm not attacking you, and I don't want you to feel defensive. I just want to tell you how I felt or what I think occurred,'” says Roberts.
This non-defensive communication employs five skills: to disengage, empathize, inquire, disclose, and depersonalize. Using these five skills helps to create a climate for effective communication.
What is an example of non-defensive communication? ›Example: If someone acts upset, the first step is to simply ask the person directly about your own assumption so he can confirm, deny, or qualify, for example, "Are you irritated (frustrated, angry, upset) about something?"
What is an example of a non-defensive response? ›Practice phrases and questions you can say instead of reacting defensively. Use the examples on the right or enter some of your own phrases here: “Tell me more about why you say/think that.” “I think I need to hear more about what you are thinking.” “I'm curious, what leads you to ask that question?”
How do you accept criticism without being defensive? ›- Bringing up the past. This looks like bringing up something someone did in the past to use against them instead of dealing with the criticism or issue at hand. ...
- Practice noticing your defensiveness. ...
- Identify the feeling. ...
- Identify a need. ...
- Think about the intention behind a comment. ...
- Breathe. ...
- Take responsibility.
“If you keep reacting like you do when I try to get something across to you, we're never going to get anywhere.” “You're just trying to avoid blame for what you know you did. You always do that.” “I'm not going to keep talking to me if you won't listen and just have to tell me that I'm wrong.”
Why do I get so defensive so easily? ›Feeling defensive "is a natural self-protection mechanism that we have inside us", says Dr Kate Renshall, a clinical psychologist based in Sydney. "I think we all get defensive when somebody pushes on something that feels too close to home, or touches on something we already might doubt about ourselves."
What are defensive techniques? ›
0-Technique: The defender lines up face-to-face with the center. 1-Technique: The defender lines up on the center's outside shoulder. 2-Technique: The defender lines up on the guard's inside shoulder. 3-Technique: The defender lines up on the guard's outside shoulder, between the guard and the tackle.
What are the five 5 fundamentals of the defense? ›...
- Assist passage of lines and disengagement.
- Gain and maintain contact with enemy forces as battle handover occurs.
- Maintain security.
The characteristics of defensive operations are prepared positions, security, disruption, mass, concentration, and flexibility.
What causes defensive behavior? ›As you've learned, being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed, hurt, guilty, attacked, etc. If a person is feeling this way, responding with further criticism is likely to end only in stonewalling or an argument. Instead, show empathy and concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing.
How do you deal with defensiveness at work? ›- Understand the signs and reasons.
- Use communication as a tool.
- Understand Communication Preferences.
- Allow The Employee To Process Their Behavior.
- Don't Point Out Defensive Behavior Directly.
- WRITTEN COMMUNICATION. Convey ideas and information through the use of written language.
- ORAL COMMUNICATION. Convey ideas and information through the use of spoken language.
- NON-VERBAL AND VISUAL COMMUNICATION. ...
- ACTIVE LISTENING. ...
- CONTEXTUAL COMMUNICATION.
If you want to make an impact and build your presence in a professional setting, developing four basic communication skills is key. These basic communication skills are speaking, writing, listening and reading.
Is an example of a defensive behavior? ›Shifting the blame to someone else when being criticized is a type of defensive behavior. For example, if someone's husband or wife is being defensive every time they have to pay for something that wasn't their fault, they are guilty of shifting the blame onto them.
How does a defensive person act? ›Getting defensive can take many different forms, including verbal attacks, denial (denying what has been said), fabrication (outright lying), avoidance (not allowing any discussion on the matter), gaslighting (e.g., calling the other person “crazy” or suggesting something is wrong with the other person) and others.
What are defensive actions? ›The immediate purpose of defensive actions is to resist, defeat, or destroy an enemy attack and gain the initiative for the offense. Defensive operations defeat an enemy attack, buy time, economize forces, or develop conditions favorable for offensive operations.
What does Do not be defensive mean? ›
If someone is defensive, the person feels criticized and quickly tries to explain: Don't be defensive – I'm just asking why you didn't vote.
What is an example of a defensive action? ›For example, if a person constantly shows defensive behavior, it's not a positive thing. This is when someone constantly tries to make excuses for their actions or explain why something happened or isn't their fault instead of taking responsibility for it.
What are the best ways to respond to criticism? ›...
Table of Contents
- Be direct and address the issue.
- Recognize the context.
- Don't take it to heart.
- Brush it off with a laugh.
- Pep-talk yourself.
- Avoid destructively critical people.
- Be realistic. ...
- Look for the positives. ...
- Don't take his/her behavior personally. ...
- Consider whether you need to say anything at all. ...
- Ask directly and respectfully for what you want. ...
- Manage your own anxiety and stress.
- Retrenchment.
- Divestiture.
- Liquidation.
- Grow your self-awareness. Before you can focus on others' reactions to conflicts, it's best to grow your self-awareness. ...
- Use 'I' statements. ...
- Walk away. ...
- Avoid competing. ...
- Accommodate, within reason. ...
- Compromise. ...
- Collaborate.
opposing, averting, conservative, foiling, forestalling, preservative, preventive, thwarting, arresting, balking, checking, defending, frustrating, guarding, interrupting, protecting, resistive, safeguarding, uptight, withstanding.
What is defensive attitude? ›Someone on the defensive is concerned with justifying their actions or words. They have a defensive attitude as they try to protect themselves. If you know that to defend is to protect, you have an idea what defensive means. When a person is acting defensive, they're trying to protect or justify themselves.
What is a 3 or 5 technique? ›So, as you can see a 3 technique is a defensive lineman who typically lines up on the outside shoulder of a guard. A 5 technique is a defensive lineman who typically lines up on the outside shoulder of the offensive tackle.
What are the 7 characteristics of the defense? ›- Preparation. Arrives in AO before the attacker and uses the available time to prepare.
- Security. Help deceive the enemy as to friendly locations, strengths, and weaknesses. ...
- Disruption. ...
- Massing Effects. ...
- Flexibility. ...
- Maneuver. ...
- Operations in Depth.
What are three basics of self defensive strategies? ›
Quick Read De-escalate, disengage and defend
Plan your escape route and take off restrictive items like heels to make it easier to run. Only carry a weapon if you're trained to use it. Practice disengagement moves to break free from holds and escape a fight.
Feeling defensive "is a natural self-protection mechanism that we have inside us", says Dr Kate Renshall, a clinical psychologist based in Sydney. "I think we all get defensive when somebody pushes on something that feels too close to home, or touches on something we already might doubt about ourselves."
What causes defensiveness during a conversation? ›As you've learned, being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed, hurt, guilty, attacked, etc. If a person is feeling this way, responding with further criticism is likely to end only in stonewalling or an argument. Instead, show empathy and concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing.
Why do I get defensive so easily? ›The Causes of Defensiveness
Defensive behavior can be a complex and murky issue. For many people, their behavioral patterns stem from emotional, mental, or personality issues/tendencies developed over the course of their lifetimes (feelings of abandonment, inferiority, low self-esteem, narcissism, etc.).
Why do people get defensive? Research from 2020 suggested that people use defensiveness to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. A person may become defensive because they're: misrepresenting or forgetting what occurred.
What are examples of defensive speech? ›“If you keep reacting like you do when I try to get something across to you, we're never going to get anywhere.” “You're just trying to avoid blame for what you know you did. You always do that.” “I'm not going to keep talking to me if you won't listen and just have to tell me that I'm wrong.”
What is an example of defensive communication? ›For example, defensive behaviors, such as rolling the eyes, not listening, making excuses, or blaming others can cause your communication partner to argue back louder, walk away, blame you back, and gunnysack (a non-productive conflict tactic where one saves up or “gunnysacks” all their complaints until they burst with ...
What is an example of defensiveness? ›Types of Defensiveness
Bringing up the past - reminding someone of past mistakes. Silent treatment - not speaking to someone or ignoring their attempts to resolve conflict. Gaslighting - making the other person doubt their reality or their memory. Attack - attacking the other person to discredit them.
Defensive behavior is defined as a behavioral response to threatening situations for survival and body safety of oneself and others (Pulkkinen, 1987; Wrangham, 2018). Defending is a prosocial behavior defined by the intent to help victimized individuals (Eisenberg and Spinrad, 2014; Lambe and Craig, 2020).
Why you should not be defensive? ›It could cause frustration and resentment in others, leading to strained relationships and difficulty resolving conflicts. Also, defensive behavior may make it hard to take responsibility for your actions, resulting in a loss of trust in yourself and others.